I think I will call this part the Charlie saga
*the name has been changed for privacy reasons :P
But realistically any of you who know me will know who this guy is, and those of you who don't know me don't really care about his name...
Anyhow, I guess it all began back in year ten, when I first started outdoor Ed at school. That was when I first met him, and I guess there was some sort of initial attraction, and a little bit of flirting... And outdoor Ed camp included a lot more flirting and some tickling and non-sexual touching...
Then there was the year 11 dinner dance, when there was some snuggling, and we both pretty much realized we liked each other... Or I did anyway, I always presumed he did too?
There was a lot of dilly dallying around then, until my friend Sophie (same name as me :D) asked him straight out if he liked me, and told him I liked him.
Then there was a date, and more dates, and even more dates.
Pretty much just over 6 months of dates, but I always felt self conscious, because I am overly sensitive to what others think of me :S
And my friends thought he was a bit of a geek,
I also managed to break up with him once, but realized a day after what a mistake that was...
Then I went away to France with school, and he went with his family to Germany.
It was christmas eve, and after spending 3 weeks surrounded by my friends talking him down all of the time, and not seeing Charlie... It was a bad mix for me, and I forced him into breaking up with me.
And that is when he changed, he wasn't the kind caring boy that he had been, he was more protected, and not the emotionally vulnerable boy that he had been...
And I spent the next year hating him, as I stayed single and he charged through girl after girl...
Finally after graduation we became friends again, and as I became more and more distant from my school friends charlie became one of the only people I hung out with. And many times since graduation there have been random hook ups and sleep overs. But never ever sex. It's not that I haven't had sex, but I really don't all that often, in reality I have only done it a couple of times, but I have never slept with Charlie. There was also an occasion or so when he said he still liked me, but he ended up saying no.
Then he was in a relationship for over a year, while I was still single...
And when that ended he started hanging out with me.
This was back in April...
After a couple of movie nights we started hooking up again, except it didn't feel like a random hook up.
There was emotion there, and I wasn't making it all up in my head like I tend to do the majority of the time.
But he was off to Europe for 4 months or so, so I had accepted that nothing would come of it.
And during those 4 months I went crazy, I tend to overthink everything ridiculously!
So when he came back we had a massively deep and meaningful conversation, where he explained that he did really like me, and he told me that he wished he could start a relationship, but he was going to be on deployment for CHOGM for the end of september until late October. And then in mid November he would be heading to Timor for a one year deployment. So now my brain was a bit more in order, but I wasn't looking forward to him leaving. And there were a couple more late nights, but still no sexing... Because as I said, it's not what I do!
And then, after all of our conversationalising, about emotions and the like, when he finished his deployment he still didn't call me, even though he had said he would. And I kept hearing stories about him sleeping with his ex, and that he was off to Melbourne to visit a girl he met on contiki in Europe..
So I got all confused again!
But then there was some texting, and I went over to his house last Thursday, which was the night before his birthday. After much snuggling and kissing we awoke to his birthday.
He told me that he was not being deployed anymore, but he never said anything about a relationship, so my brain got even more confused!
And then there was the text that screwed my brain.
Saying that he didn't want a relationship at all, and he thought I new this.
And I received this text just an hour before I was heading to his house for his birthday party. So I decided it would be the best idea ever if I got really really drunk...
And got rejected by Charlie... He flat our turned down any form of sexual interaction. Which made me really crazy.
And then the next day, was the awkward, I want you to leave me the fuck alone, from him.
And then he said that it had been a mistake to get close...
And hasn't said anything since then :S
And I have spent the last few days going insane, and rethinking everything that has happened.
The first thing that I don't understand is how you can like someone but not want to date them.
And secondly, why would you say you want a relationship and then not.
But I know this may not seem like much to the majority of people, but to me it really means a lot.
He was my first boyfriend, and that sticks with me, like it does with many people.
And lastly he was also pretty much my best friend, so in one day I managed to lose my best friend and the guy I like!